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Submitted on
August 18, 2012
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Do you want to hear the story
of how I died?
I promise it won't be boring
so if you would
just take a seat, have a drink
and listen.

Past memories reach,
I met the most amazing man
who spun words of silver and gold
with a tongue more fine than silk.

He told me he could do no wrong
and I, young and foolish, believed him.

And when we went home,
his eyes shining with new excitement,
things were perfect.

Then it shattered.

Nothing more intense
than feeling my own blood
trickle down my body.

Cruciation
stares traveling down
blood spattered knife
a gaping wound

cries of shock
gleaming white smile
solid drops of blood
and fading light.

I knew him for one night
he disappeared the next.

To this day I am simply known
as the victim of a John Doe.
100 Theme Challenge #49: Insanity.





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:iconbloo180:
The simplicity makes the entirety of this heart breaking, yet mysterious. The introduction could use a little more "grab" to draw readers in or spring curiosity. But I do have to say, the very first line did appeal to me and made me want to read more. It may not pull every reader in like it did for me, but keep in mind that you want to try to lure in all kinds of readers. Otherwise, word choice and imagery used is astounding for how short this tale is. It leaves you wondering who this poor slaughtered lover was. I'd like to read more. Fantastically written.
What do you think?
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5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
wow that's really good and scary please tell that's not a true story because is horrible and sad
Reply
:iconcrazywriter10:
CrazyWriter10 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The wording on it is great and to the point. It really captures the emotions of such an event, and it reminds the reader to beware of strangers. At the same time the outcome is tragic and makes the reader feel bad for the victim. Very nice work.
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconcrazywriter10:
CrazyWriter10 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome :)
Reply
:iconcheapgrotesqueries:
CheapGrotesqueries Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, wow. Just the imagery I got from this was pretty intense. Going home with a stranger to be murdered is such a scary thing because it can seem so sudden and out of the blue, and you've captured this so well with a victim who was none-the-wiser and a killer who seems like he left no trace to connect him to the crime whatsoever. It makes the reader feel scared and sad.

Awesome poem overall c: This is definitely going into my favorites!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
I feel so honored. This is one of my ore favorite pieces that I've written, and I'm just so happy that you enjoy it as well.
Reply
:iconpollyzoom:
pollyzoom Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
now that is viloent
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Ya it is pretty violent isn't it?
Reply
:iconvampireloveyou:
VampireLoveYou Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012
Brilliant! love it! :heart:
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconvampireloveyou:
VampireLoveYou Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012
your welcomes :icondummyhugplz:
Reply
:iconangelgirlartist:
angelgirlartist Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow! This is so well done!!!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconpengwens:
pengwens Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012
Wow, awesome.
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks.
Reply
:iconpengwens:
pengwens Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
Welcome!
Reply
:iconneko-chan199:
Neko-Chan199 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
WOW! I am speechless!!!!!!:O_o:
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Reply
:iconneko-chan199:
Neko-Chan199 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
IT'S A GOOD THING!!! How on earth did you write THAT???!!!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Well, it started out with my mom watching a crime show and they didn't know the victim so they just called him 'John Doe', and I asked my mom what they call the killer when they don't know who he is and she said she didn't know. So I told her that they should call him John Doe as well. And then I just kept thinking about it and this was born. I'm so happy that you like it!
Reply
:iconneko-chan199:
Neko-Chan199 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
PRAISE THE CRIME SHOWS AROUND THE WORLD!!!!!!!;)
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012  Student Writer
Lol you are my new favorite person.
Reply
:iconneko-chan199:
Neko-Chan199 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
YES! I LIKE BEIBG SOMEBODYS NEW FAVORITE PERSON!!!!!;P
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Student Writer
Lol :hug:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconnona49er:
nona49er Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
this is amazing!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconquincod:
quincod Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wonderful and in the line "who spun words or silver and gold " is the or suppose to be of?
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Ah yes thank you. I went and fixed it.
Reply
:iconquincod:
quincod Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
your welcome.
Reply
:iconkiramari:
KiraMari Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
love it! amazingly done :)
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconlazynightmare:
LazyNightmare Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Beautiful, a little morbid but i love it! :D

Im not much for interpreting poetry. I believe that its how you feel when you read it. But i do love the last two parts. Simply great!
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks. I'm so glad that you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconbeatlesgirl14:
BeatlesGirl14 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Student Photographer
I always love poems/stories that begin with "Do you want to hear the story of how I died?" This one was particularly good.
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconlast-verse:
Last-Verse Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"Nothing more intense..." Wow. I love the light introduction, and how the character never seems angry or resentful by such a heavy incident. I guess one can do that, though, when dead.
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
I always imagined that after death, people don't hold onto the bad, because it really doesn't do anything for them.
Reply
:iconmomo-the-cat:
momo-the-cat Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is really awesome.
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconamebr:
Amebr Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
Amazing work! ;D
Reply
:iconoilux:
Oilux Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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