Sta.sh
She walked through the pouring rain
Letting it soak to her bones
She doesn't even raise her head
As she reached her destination
A lone tear slides down her cheek
Mixing with the rain
There is no one else
As she crosses the bridge
She is totally alone
She stands on the railing
Balancing precariously
As more tears mixed with the rain
No other souls are around
As she looks
At the raging waters below
Arms spread wide
She opens her arms to the sky
Gently whispering 'goodbye'
The pounding rain stops
And she looks in confusion
As she sees clear blue in front of her
The railing still wet,
She grasped onto the wire suspension
Her desire to fall now dissipating
Before her was
One of the most gorgeous rainbows
Sparkling in the sky.
It beamed down on her
Unlike the rain that clouded her mood
This was a beacon in the dark sky.
She didn't know how long she stood there
Or why for that matter
She just stared at the rainbow
Once it was gone
With a smile,
She left the bridge
From now on she knew
That she would be dreaming,
Dreaming in a rainbow.
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I probably wouldn't have won anyways.
The poem itself is very lovely. However, the past - and - present - tense inconsistency bothers me. It seems better if you changed some of the verbs from present to past tense, since the last six stanzas are in past tense. Some examples:
- changing "doesn't" to "didn't" (line 3)
- changing "slides" to "slid" (line 5)
- changing "There is no one" to "There was no one" (line 7)
- changing "crosses" to "crossed" (line 8)
and so on.
To me, there's a clear vision to this poem. A depressed girl is about to commit suicide, but the sight of a rainbow after a thick storm makes her realize that life is worth living, so she becomes hopeful about her situation. I think it's wonderful.
Nice work.
~Sze-Kai-di
-natantheinquisitor
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